I’m beating myself up for breaking down before the first tears leak from my eyes.
I’m planning where and when and how I let myself fall apart even as another crack appears.
I’m needing a drink before I can even dehydrate.
And God Forsaken , GOD FORSAKE anyone sees it happen, sees me break.
Because the only thing that could possibly be worse than feeling like this is letting anyone or everyone know I feel like this.
There is no outlet for, this no safety valve that I can turn off, only bandages and mufflers.
So I spend my time hoping beyond hope that some fatal accident absolves me both of the burden of life and the guilt of death
Because heaven forsake , HEAVEN FORSAKEN. I actually want to die.
Some days like today, the only thing holding me back from trying to kill myself is the thought of failing to do so and the aftermath
So I took back the tears until I’m alone
Then I hold them back until I have the proper outlet materials
Then I push them down until I’m in a place that no one could ever find me cry again
And by that point my eyes hurt and I’ve forgotten how to cry.
So the tension simply builds
Breakdown averted after breakdown averted
Good for me, controlling my emotions, right?
Numb that’s all I can do is numb myself
and it don’t work, and I’m tired of it
and my eyes hurt!
But there’s nothing I can do except scribble in a book and try not to hurt
And spoiler alert: it never works..!!!